i'm not afraid to say i don't know

there is so much i want to say, but i am at such a loss for words.

i don't have the answers, but shoulders. 

to carry the questions. 

to carry the weight.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

"Carry the weight of your brother
Carry the weight of your sister
I'm not afraid to say I don't know

Carry the weight of your father
Carry the weight of your mother
I'm not ashamed to say I don't know, anymore

Carry the weight of your neighbor
Carry the weight of a stranger
I'm not afraid to say I don't know what to do

And so I carry the weight
Carry the weight
Carry the weight
Carry the weight

Carry the weight of each other
Carry the weight of another
I'm not afraid to say I don't know"

-denison witmer "Carry The Weight"

growing one way or the other

i turn twenty on tuesday.

i don't feel that old.

or that young.

so i guess i feel twenty?

How to (not) train for a marathon:

step 1:

unaligned hips. don't bother spending the money to go to the chiropractor that insurance doesn't cover. your hips don't really need to be aligned. this is actually unimportant.

step 2:

finally attain some great distance (23 miles), then take your hips out of their sockets. allow them to pop in and out for say...a week.

step 3: 

try to walk up stairs with hips out.

step 4: 

barely be able to walk let alone run.

step 5: 

take 2 months off to allow hips to "heal" (i.e. not hurt). do not seek professional consult. do not see a doctor. do not try to proactively fix the problem. this is all very much unnecessary. "these things heal themselves". (ha)

step 6: 

run on icy pavement. when its below freezing. i hear this is great for your joints. do this as often as possible.

step 7: 

finally start upping your mileage again. up your mileage really quickly in an effort to catch up on your training. 

step 8: 

good, long, wonderful run. 

step 9: 

last mile. cue the hip pop.

step 10: 

"shit."

The Year in Visual Form:

this year has been a good one...

Celebrated New Years Downtown with Abby and Co.

Finally got around to getting my Level 1 Certification with Trev and Travis

Tested K2's 2009-2010 Lineup. Remembered why I love them. Fell in Love with the new (not yet released) Jibpan (which just so happens to have Michael Sieben graphics, one of my favorite artists of all time!)

Got surgery to remove a cyst on my back.

This past summer I got involved with an Art Collective called, "The Ambrose Collective"

Learn more about Ambrose.

As always, spent a good deal of my time at The Burg, working hard and hardly working.

It's been a good winter, and I've been blessed to ride and progress a lot.

We won Pull breaking records and truly becoming the Legendary team we set out to be.

half-life

i had something on my heart and typed out here on this screen and then my window shut for no apparent reason and i am so frustrated and its just not worth the energy to write it out again. and frankly, i'm out of drafts to publish so i'll leave you with this.

"I'm awake in the afternoon
I fell asleep in the living room
and it's one of those moments
when everything is so clear

before the truth goes back into hiding
I want to decide 'cause it's worth deciding
to work on finding something more than this fear 

It takes so much out of me to pretend
tell me now, tell me how to make amends

maybe, I need to see the daylight
to leave behind this half-life
don't you see I'm breaking down

lately, something here don't feel right
this is just a half-life
is there really no escape?
no escape from time
of any kind

I keep trying to understand
this thing and that thing, my fellow man
I guess I'll let you know
when i figure it out"

-Duncan Shiek "Half-life"

"there is nothing more sacred and profound than this day."

"I don’t want to wait anymore. I choose to believe 

that there is nothing more sacred or profound than this 

day. I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big 

moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered 

like tiny shards of gold. The big moments are the daily, tiny 

moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we 

grab on to and extend to one another. That’s the drama of 

life, swirling all around us, and generally I don’t even see it, 

because I’m too busy waiting to become whatever it is I think 

I am about to become. The big moments are in every hour, 

every conversation, every meal, every meeting."

-shauna niequist

to ally and kelly:

thank you so dearly for so many lovely. honest. day-to-day. meaningful moments these past few weeks. and truly, the big moments are in every mongiamo's pizza, every milkshake, every vegan cupcake, every oven explosion. 

you are more deeply loved than you know.

If you are the water, I am the waves
If you are the writer, I am the page
If you are the fire, I am the rage
You left a light on, in the back of my mistake