we are (hopefully) not pessimistic space cadets.

infinity is now.

my brother and i decided this today.

if infinity exists before us and after us and time is irrelevant, then infinity is now.

and now.

and now.

and now.

and we are infinite.

not in our shape. not in who we are. not what we are. but what we are made of. the neutrons and electrons and protons that comprise our body will be traded to the earth and its creatures for our decomposition. and we are infinite.

we are infinite because the events and people that came before us. without them...we are not. we are infinite because of our future. our possibilities. our potential.

we have class together (Christopher and I) and much of the conversation is in regards to how we know that we know. and if the more we "know", we realize that we really know nothing at all, then what is the point in trying to "know" anything?

are we doomed to be pessimistic space cadets?

maybe, but I think there is another option.

maybe the more we "know", and the more we realize we really know nothing at all, then the more we realize how much we can consume. maybe we have the opportunity to "know" (or at least try to have some sort of idea) about so much more then we initially assumed.

maybe the possibilities for knowledge are...infinite.

you yourself are capable of both

go camping. fish for dinner. and sleep on the forest floor with me. 

"Adventure is a path. Real adventure - self-determined, self-motivated, often risky - forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it, Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of human kind - and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever be black and white again."

-mark jenkins

growing one way or the other

i turn twenty on tuesday.

i don't feel that old.

or that young.

so i guess i feel twenty?

"how to fight loneliness "

"How to fight loneliness
Smile all the time
Shine your teeth to meaningless
And sharpen them with lies

And whatever is going down
Will you follow around
That's how you fight loneliness

You laugh at every joke
Drag your blanket blindly
Fill your heart with smoke

And the first thing that you want
Will be the last thing you'll ever need
That's how you fight it

Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time
Just smile all the time"

-wilco


i've been incredibly, almost unbearably lonely this summer.

and maybe you think i'm silly because you've hung out with me a lot this summer or because i smile and laugh and sing.

but i've been lonely. and i'm not sure i ever felt this depth before.

i was on the phone with my mother a few weeks ago. we began to talk. and i began to talk about how badly i want a dog. and as i tried this act for the millionth time (i've been working on this since birth), she said something that pierced me. and maybe it struck me so deep because it was true, but more so i think because i was afraid to admit this to myself.

she told me, "you don't want a dog. you're just lonely."

and she was right.

and i'm not sure that she even knew how deep a chord she had struck. i quickly wrapped up the conversation and shut my phone. and i pulled my car over to the side of the road.
and i cried.

not a lot.
but i cried just a little for myself.
i cried for myself.
and then for my selfishness at crying for myself.

and you know. it's been good. because its made me examine myself like i've never done before. i've had to face the cruel reality of who i desire to be and who i really am. and how far apart those people are. i've had to lay down a lot of pride. and being on my own has forced me to do that. to examine myself. not just to vent to other people, but to look at the issue as it is, instead of through a vail of pride and stubbornness.

it's been good. it has. but writing it out. its strange. it makes it a little too real. to admit just how alone i've felt. it scares me to hit the "publish post" button and release this into the world.

but its growth. and i've done a lot of growing this summer. so here it is.

here's reality.

i've been really lonely and i think alright with it.

my friends may you grow in grace

"my friends may you grow in grace
my friends may you grow in grace
my friends may you grow in grace
and in the love of Jesus Christ

to God be the glory
now and forever
now and forever
amen"

remember when we sang that song together?


we've come so far. or maybe so close. it depends i guess.

some of us have grown apart.
and some. some of us have grown deeper.
but regardless of whether or not we acknowledge it.
we grow in grace.

that is my prayer for you my friends. that you may grow in grace.

we're all different now, you know. different, but covered by grace.




i still love you. i hope you know that.

i really love you.

oh growth.

GROW.

Websters Dictionary defines growth as:
1. spring up or develop in maturity
2. to increase or expand in wisdom
3. to pass into a condition

growth is just that. an expansion of our world.



to grow we need:::

* a life source

* energy

* a gardener



growing in Christ is very much the same:

* We need God to rain down his grace and mercy

* We need him to shine his love upon us.

*And it should come as no surprise that we need him to prune us as well.


An unpruned tree is spread out in many directions.
It does not bare much fruit.
It is weak.
It is wreckless and out of control.

Like a tree, we too must be pruned by the hand of God.
We must be focused on Heaven.
We must bare the finest fruits.
We must be strengthened.
We must be taught self-control.

"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener.
He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, so that it will be even more fruitful.
You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
Remain in me, and I will remain in you.
No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine.
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

I am the vine; you are the branches.
If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.
If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers;
such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned.
If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.
This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples."

-Jesus Christ
John 15:1-8